Deprived for unknown reason and a dream

Yesterday I got shifted to my new home. The feeling was fantastic, as I was waiting for it since a very long time. I felt like sharing this happiness with the one I love the most. I spoke to everyone except for the one who is supposed to be on the top of the list. I still love her and this got proved while boozing with friends day before yesterday, where I was holding the basket ball and uttering "I love you" and was speaking to it as if it was her.

Today, I got up very early and the tiredness was still in my eyes because of lack of sleep. I was happy that I am wearing new clothes today but though the color and the clothes and the combinations are nice, they aren't suiting on me. I am bulging out, added to that I am short and to add fuel to the burning fire I am growing bald!! I look ugly at this moment when I see myself in the mirror. Still, I try to see a little longer when infront of the mirror searching for some happiness wrapped in beauty of looks. It is like trying to find the lotus in a bog.

Sometimes I feel though God has given me all the things what is necessary but he has somehow failed to increase the austerity level upto my expectation. I never asked him for it, He just decreased the level from optimum for only He knows for what reason. I always thought we are rewarded for the deeds that we do since the day we are born. But now I somehow feel that we also get punished for the deeds we might have did before our birth, and the worst part of it is that we have no information of what wrong did we do? I always felt deprived of something since my birth though everything I would have wished or required were around. Now I understand quite clear that I was always deprived of love. Damn, that thing is so precious and the worst part of it is that it choses us and not we choose it.

I still dream of only one thing. I want to sleep a deep sleep for a never ending time dreaming of me lying on green and soft pastured park with beautiful flowered plants looking at a blue clear sky with sun nearing the horizon and my head resting on those laps who love me the most and she playing with my hairs.

This is how it begins

The banyan tree that I saw today morning looked more greener and richer. I could see its leaves dancing on the tunes of air blowing around it, reminding me of the tribals dancing in their festivals. Seems like the pills are working to nullify those thoughts which were sprouted by the actions of that special person of my life. I gazed at the sky and controlled the question that frequently trouble me "why this happened to me?". The brain says, ofcourse she wasn't that beautiful as my college crush was but the heart can't come out of the magical spell she casted on me. I don't know what it is, which makes me think again and again of her repeatedly. Is this love? If so, why is she married to someone else and why is that she didn't ask her parents to get married to me? Is it the one sided love, as it always has been with me. If so, then what was all that we shared together, we cared, we loved, we spoke, the promises, the dreams and the spiritual bondage. Oh, I miss all of them. She was the perfect one for me untill she broke my heart. How on earth she can give the same name to her husband which she had kept for me with so much of love, I loved that name so much. She was so happy when I was begging and crying infront of her to come back to me. It is not the one whom I loved. The innocence and the care that she is to show was the invitations for me to love her. Her kind heart was the one which gave the key to my heart to unlock the happiness of love.