Parinda

Tha mai hawa ko cheertha sabko raah dikhata

nayee jagah naye manzil dikhata

hawa woh thi suhaani

khushboo bhari aur paagal jawaani

akela itna oopar udhtha

sooraj ko dekh dil mein ummeed jagaatha

tha mai kitna kush-kismat

vartmaan mein tha mai aur meri thi jannat

samay ne kee aisi kaaya palat

sab chod gaye jat-pat

apne kushi apne aashiyaan sajaane

jazbaaton ko bhool manzil ko paane

uss hawa ki bhi rukk badal gayi

meri woh thi aaj kisi aur ki ho chali

oopar udhkar sooraj se shikwa karne mai chala

dard bhare dil ka bhaar na sambhla

gira mai darti par aise,rooh bhi mujhko chod chala

Episode 1

Not so beautiful Mind

Lub-dub..lub-dub..lub-dub.. The heart rate is normal! Lub-dub..lub-dub..lub-dub.. now its beating fast! Lub-dub..lub-dub..lub-dub.. now it's beating slow.. I am guessing his heart rate from his breathing rate. Though seemingly he is not getting proper sleep his face says he is deep in sleep and enjoying it.

He is my friend Ashish. A very silent and well-mannered guy. We are roomies and belong to the same batch, but we belong to different branches of engineering. I belong to the electrical and electronics branch and Ashish belongs to the electronics and communication. The difference is electrical and communication and common is electronics.

As there is a difference in our branches likewise we don't communicate much and as common to both of us we love electronics.

It's 10.30 am in the morning, Ashish seems to be getting up. He looks at me and doesn't give any reaction on his face. I am looking at him with a wide 70mm smile on my face waiting for his reaction. He holds the brush in his hand staring at its bristles.

Ashish is an enigmatic character and is very different from rest of us in the hostel. The other day he was staring at the broken bulb in our room. He was deeply studying the pattern in which the glass had broken leaving sharp edges. Sometimes he'll play rock music on computer keeping it mute and stare at the graphical characteristics shown by the music playing software.

Not so long ago he was watching a hockey match with me at our college ground. The score was 0-0 and seemingly a very boring match but ashish was seeming very curiously looking at the ball. He was looking at the path the ball was traversing on the field.

I looked at him, I said to myself,"this guy is crazy". I was getting bored. I moved my eye-balls and took a 360 degree look around, searching for any good looking babe in the college. Hmm.. yes.. there she is.. phew! she is so damn hot man. But wait.. what the f*&#.. she is speaking with that a@@hole. I was bored and now angry. To make myself entertain I asked Ashish,"I bet the CS people will win, who do you think will win". Ashish said after a long pause,"No!! PS people will win". He must be crazy, any person on this world will easily bet on CS people going by there previous record, there skills and experience and this fellow is saying otherwise. Now I got into the match supporting the CS people. Just before the half time with score still at 0-0 Ashish left to attend a class. He seemed to have already seen this match hundreds of times and guessed the result as if we were watching highlights. I sat there waiting for the result, about half an hour later, the game got over. And guess what! the mighty, experienced and skilled CS team was defeated by PS team with 2-0 score. As usual, I lost the bet again, but I had all the right data in mind to place a safe bet.

This was not the only incident. there are many incidents wherein Ashish would guess the result correct or find a right solution or crack a complex puzzle. But I am different, whenever I hear the word puzzle all I feel is just Zzz...

Hmm..

Achanak darwaaze par dastak aayee
khidki se dekha, woh tha mera dost tanhayee
roz ghar aajata hai
mujhko bada pareshaan karta hai

meri biwi kushi, usse nafrat hai karti
mujhse rooth kar maike hai jaati

tanhayee ke saat tab mai shaam bitaata
khushi ko yaad kar jaam hai peeta
tanhayee jaam mein aansoon milaata
jeevan ki sachai batlaata

jaam na mitha sakha yeh gham
mai ho gaya uski talaash mein ghum
lekin, zindagi chalti jaa rahi
jaise ghadi ki sooyi bhaag rahi

zindagi aur maut ke dehleez pe mai hoon khada
jaise lau hawa se lad raha

khushi teri raah dekhoon kab tak
jaldi aaja mere darwaaze de de dastak.

Redundancy

I love her.. I love her not.. she did it right.. she did it wrong.. why me.. why me not.. No, I am not plucking the petals of a flower, one year long and still these questions come to my mind. I try not to answer them and concentrate on what I was doing. Two long weeks and every day she came in my dreams. We did not have conversation, we acted like strangers.

I don't understand the root cause for this extreme obsession for a human who spent few days with me and seems to affect the rest of my life. I don't understand how I was made a complete stranger overnight. I don't understand why I miss her every second and unknowingly wait for her though I know she is gone forever. She was not even near to the pretty faces I have seen in my life. Her body was nowhere perfect for me to get attracted physically. She didn't have those long beautiful hairs. And neither she spoke good language.

Trrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg.... Oh! the alarm rang, it's eight in the morning and this is how I get up every morning.

Plight ALT+F4

Two weeks ago.. After finishing my work, I was riding on my bike back to home. Due to bad light on the highway I inadvertently rode into a pothole that was deep enough for my bike tyres not to cross it, resulting which I flew in the air leaving my bike behind and skid over the rough surface of (so called) road. The bike followed me from the back wanting to kiss my ass. While in air, I felt as if I was in slow motion though the speed with which I was riding was 70 kmph and there was a sudden thud on the ground.

final speed = (acceleration * time taken) + initial speed
= (9.8 m/s^2 * 3s(approx.) + 70,000 m/3600s
= 29.4+19.4
=48.8 m/s
= 48.8 * 3600/hr
=175680 m/hr or
= 175.7 Km/hr

That is a whopping speed at which I fell on ground ( Thanks to Sports science on Zee-cafe for the analysis). Now imagine, what could have happened to my body at this break-neck speed. Luckily, I was wearing helmet, so no head injuries. While in air I had positioned my body in such a way that before I landed my left body would touch the ground first. Hence, I scratched whole part of my back hand(left) and there were few scars on different parts of my body, but nothing serious.

I stood up on the desolate highway with cold breeze soothing my burning wound. First thing, came to my mind, "Bike in bad condition, Rs. 10,000 minus from my bank balance". Suddenly there appeared another biker who missed having the same plight as mine, he parked his bike seeing me and helped in handling the bike and gave few suggestions. I was enjoying the burning sensation of the wound after a very long time and did not care about the first aid. I am grateful to that person for patronizing.

I took position to ride the bike again. Many things were running through my mind while riding, I felt my RM's anathema coming true on me. But more than anything I felt wanting to be cared at that moment and 'The Face' popped up repeatedly in my mind. I kept pressing ALT+F4 in my mind but it was as if I opened a malice site and thousands of other related sites popping up.

I reached home with blood dripping from my arm, I rummage through everything to find the health insurance card to go to the nearest hospital. Suddenly, I cancelled the thought of going to hospital imagining what if I were on a lost island with similar plight. I thought of enacting Jack of the LOST series or Tom hanks in Cast Away(me so filmy :)). I called up my close friend who is a doc and asked for the tips. As per his suggestions I washed the wound in the running water which was very painful, I had my balls in my mouth. Luckily, I had dressing material which I had bought for my fractured finger. Oh ya..I forgot to mention the fracture had happened to the same hand few weeks ago and it had swollen with all its fury. Well, after dressing up the wound I was feeling a little weak, somewhat malaise and a lot drowsy. I made my mind feel ostensibly peaceful before retiring to bed yet closing the pop ups in my mind using ALT+F4.

The number line

Now that's a pretty long time since I wrote my last post. The time between my previous post and now has been pretty good.

As a child I used to wonder why people are so much particular about the colour of the skin. The white skin is by majority considered to be beautiful and dark skin as ugly. "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder" is a quite famous quote, but more than what your eyes see it is what your brain interpret what you see. Generally, things that catch your attention or things that make an impact on your mind is either beautiful or ugly.

In my primary school I had learnt about number line. It was little confusing for me in the very beginning as everything started from zero and went on. I wondered why there are negative numbers. By time I came to know something which goes against the positive is negative. But why would somebody want to go in negative direction (philosophically speaking). I think only negative minds negate everything that comes to their mind.

To simplify everything let us assume numbers are just numbers. They start from zero and go on and on. You have -1 and +1 to multiply with the numbers. If you multiply them with -1 they become negative and multiply with +1 they become positive. -1 and +1 are just your views, the way you interpret them. Choice is yours, a pessimist choses -1 and an optimist choses +1.

When I see with +1 everything is so beautiful, one better than other. But wait.. +1 is just a factor. How you bring that factor into your mind is an uphill task. As you see -1 seems to be a stronger factor than +1. The best method is to negate the negative. Because -1 times -1 is +1, bingo, there you get positive again. Easier said than done.

Bachna Ae Haseeno

I had 3 days off this weekend and the country celebrated its 61st independence day on Friday. The first two days were quite boring, me and my wife (idiot box) spent the whole time gazing into each others eyes. On Sunday evening I went to see father-in-law (talkies) screening 'Bachna Ae Haseeno'. Movie is good and worth watching once. Sometimes while watching, it reminded me of my past. What matters the most is I came out of the theatre with happiness in my heart, why not, after a long time I saw a movie in a desi theatre (not in a mum sitting mall theatre) which reminded me of my college days. Soon after the movie way back to home I had food at a punjabi dhabha with lassi for a perfect climax. Truly, lassi jaisi koi nahiin..
I always wondered the way in which films affect our lives, especially if you are residing in India. The crowd goes to Europe or America or Australia and comes back within 3 hrs from the trip completely packed with romance, laughter and emotions. Everyone put themselves into the shoes of the characters(mostly positive characters, hmm..sometimes negative if it's a r*pe scene, he he). Almost every Indian girl of around my age wants to be the Simran of DDLJ waiting for the charming Raj, but every Indian guy has already stopped dreaming about Ash and Kat rules their hearts now. I think most of the girls would be interested in seeing the six pack abs than the face of the guy these days. If girls have mooh-dikhaai guys will soon face ab-dikhaai..lolz.. and very soon we'll be seeing matrimonial ads somewhat like this.
Bride required for a six feet tall and handsome guy earning six digit salary and having six pack gallery.
Now that's a proof of present 666 era, the satanic number, something interesting for the next remake of 'Omen' series. But guys are still very much same ab ho ya tab, still hunting for the Miss 36-24-36 (Well, that makes 9-6-9 numerologically, and if you invert the 9's it's 6-6-6, satanic ofcourse).
Well.. Bachna Ae Haseeno..

Make a choice

It's raining outside and I am sitting inside the office. Yes, just sitting and staring at the monitor endlessly.What I want to do and what am I doing? No matter how much the work pressure is I don't move even an inch in reducing that pressure. It is a clear indication that I am no way interested in the work I am doing. And moreover my passion lies somewhere else. Day by day the decision to pursue what I want is getting delayed and the dream seems like never going to happen in reality. Who should be blamed for my plight? I do a quick rewind and fast forward my life so far, and I find the culprit is none other than me myself. My situation reminds of a situation where my computer gets hung and when I am not able to fix it, I just switch off the power line and restart it, I wish I could do that to my life.

Time and again I have changed my ambitions in my life. I wanted to be a soldier or a policeman when I was a kid, I found the soldier is underpaid and the policeman is paid under the table, so I dropped it. Then while doing my secondary education I thought of becoming an IAS officer, later I found these officers are nothing but puppets of our netas, so I dropped it. I was in a big time confusion during higher secondary education about the line to chose among medicine and engineering. I left the matter to the time to decide and as a result I was so aloof that my scores hit all time low buried under the ground. This is where my downswing started. People looked at me a as a loser, but I knew what I was.Thanks to the preamble of India, I got a very good college of my state. The aloofness continued in the first semester, in the second semester I fared well. Third semester was a major debacle. I flunked for the first time in my life. But I was a changed person in this phase of my life. I never used to speak to the opposite gender or show any interest in them, some how I tried to be different and there was no turning back. every 4 months I had a new crush. Still uncertain of my dreams and ambition I flowed in the river of my aloofness. The last year of engineering came and again I was on the brink of choosing. As usual I didn't put even an iota of effort to get placed in any of the companies that came to my college. I waited for the destiny to come to me by itself. The pressure started building as 80% of the college was placed and it included people worse than me in academics. Somehow one day fortunately or unfortunately I got placed into my current company, thanks to the verbal skill I had gained from the girls I flirted with in the college. Now, I breathed a big sigh of relief as atleast I can earn. I joined the company and I found the love there. I thought this was my destiny. As everything was fit and fine, suddenly everything was shattered in no time. I was taken aback, shocked and completely lost. Ok.. no more of that sad story.

Today, again I felt that I was not destined to be here, again I stand at the brink of making a choice, as one month from now I'll be finishing my bond with this company. But question is what will I do? I am cocksure I am not happy here. Then I have two choices left either join a different company or go for higher studies. If I choose going to a different company, I have very less domain knowledge as I have worked only for few months and that to doing a work which is.. forget it. So I don't fit to be in the new company as they'll expect more from me. Then, if I choose to go for higher studies I am afraid of the aloofness that will follow, and moreover I have to pay back the money to the banks.

How about joining a flying school and becoming a pilot.. he he..

Flight to Pune

Continuing yesterday's posting..

Sitting in the flight to Pune I was wondering why didn't I chose the window seat!! The minute
air hostesses appeared for demo it striked me why exactly I didn't chose the window seat. Some
views are more interesting than landscapes and clouds which make you feel fly higher than the plane itself. Well, they were wearing exactly what I expected.Though, I don't like their phoney smile which acts as if controlled by a button.

The fear of the feelings I might get reaching Pune was gushing into my weak mind. I was controlling every thought that might affect my mental peace. Once, I reached there I found Pune very much different from other metros. The flora and fauna, the ill maintained road and absence of pavements reminded of a north karnataka city.

I reached home and after dinner while standing alone in the balcony, gave three flying kisses and
wished goodnight. I slept pretty late and woke up early to play cricket with my brother-in-law, a petty bragger.

..to be continued

Fractured..

I had a nice weekend with two extra holidays. I had been to Pune this weekend to pick my sister. As I was.. Oh crap! I can't type anymore.. Fractured my left hand in Pune. :( or :).. Me eager to write more.. sob.. sob..

Bye....

Today is Thursday

Yesterday I mentioned about iphone in my blog and to my surprise when I reached home I found an exclusive news on zee-business channel about iphone getting released in mid of August and the price will be about Rs.24,000. Which is a great buying price for a phone having so many awesome features. I am keeping my fingers crossed on buying it.

Well I had a nice dream in the early morning at around 6 am. Since, my friend has requested not to mention about the one not to be mentioned, I'll keep mum on this. But it was a real nice dream, I hope I won't see it again. Wondering why?? Well that is what the doc has prescribed.

Though the dream made me awake at early hours in the morning, I took my own time to getup from the bed. It was 10 am and to my surprise there was no water supply for the first time in my apartment, due to some plumbing work. I had to fetch water from the sump and finish my daily chores. Today is thursday, my favourite day for reasons unknown to me. Tomorrow is a colorful day as we'll be wearing color dresses to office and day after I'll be flying to Pune. Damn!! I don't know how I am going to survive the following days in Pune coz it's the place where the person whom I won't mention stays.

There is one good looking gal in my office. My friend is too much crazy about her. Though him being good at looks and having good knowledge about work that gal never pays attention to his gazes. My friend caught her gazing at me today and was disappointed about it. This is not the first time happening with me.Well, all in all I had a nice Thursday.

Love.

Tip tip.. tip tip.. baarish.. shuru ho gayi!!

The weather of Bangalore has suddenly changed (Bangalore ki baarish aur Bangalore mein hue pyaar ka koi bharosa nai hota!!). It's always drizzling here nowadays with fresh wind blowing reminding us what we inhale is air. You see water everywhere, every pothole filled with water, as if someone has planted mirrors on the road. Whenever I see so much of water it reminds of few lines from Coleridge's "The Rime of Ancient Mariner"

Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.

In my story I didn't kill the Albatross (I wish I could have) but she is happy now staying at golden walled dungeon. She would have been more happy with the breeze that I am enjoying now than staying there. Well, that is her choice.

"Baaquda tumhi ho.." is the new song that I am liking from movie Kismat Konnection starring Shahid Kapur. Well, Shahid and I share a Kissmat connection too, we broke from our girlfriends in the same period of time. Well his kismat is good getting rid of Kareena aunty.

After not so long time I am feeling like traveling to some scenic place with my digicam. I am desperately waiting for a Nikon DSLR, the price of which is keeping me away from buying it. Currently, I am waiting for the iphone releasing shortly in India. I miss my good friend from Delhi doing his MBA, we had a nice time during weekends during last one month. He is one big gizmo freak, most of the guys would consult him before buying a cellphone during our college days.

love.

Eltit is reverse of title

Many topics crossed my mind before writing this blog today but none of them gave me strong motivation to write on them. So, I thought of simply start writing without any specific topic in mind.

"Right or wrong is just another point of view" was the line I caught watching movie on TV the other day. That gives me some relief whenever I feel guilty of things that I've done in my past. But it is so difficult for a mind to accept something which is a bad deed as good. Well that is my point of view.

The salary day is nearing by. Though my work is priced four times than what I get as salary, it makes me feel I am overpriced. I feel discomfort when I see people putting all their effort to earn every penny. My work is no where near to their effort. It is just a sheet of paper which makes all the difference between me and those people. The sheet which says I have done my engineering. Well that is one of the flaws of a democratic country. Everyone wants to kiss the butt of US. Sycophancy seems prevalent in our culture right from Aryans, Mughals, British to Americans. Politics! an ugly game on earth where not the players but only the spectators lose.

Everything on earth seems to be waiting for something. River flowing to the sea, night waiting for the morning, relations waiting to be broken, men waiting for the most beautiful and women waiting for the wealthiest.

Shit happens

I think I've not come out of the depression state medically speaking, as the doc had said on my previous visit that all the feelings would prop up once I stop taking anti-depressants and same thing is happening. Life seems so hopeless because of this feeling, all because of that one person whom I love and care the most or rather I used to. I am unable to concentrate on things I need to, I feel I'll never be able to get the love of my life. My confidence has shattered, I've lost faith on myself, on my luck and on God. I am endlessly waiting for my life to get over. Nothing seems to amuse me.

Suddenly, something flashed into my mind. I imagined her coming back to my life. I think if she comes back nothing is going to change. I won't be trusting her anymore. I'll start hating my life even more for playing such a prank with me. Then what should be done to make myself feel better. To start thinking whatever happened was for good purpose. When will I see the day when I'll be the most happy. When will I see love in my life again.

I still cry during lonely nights, I feel heavy at my heart, I feel terrible. Life seems so hopeless and uninteresting without the love in my heart. This heart is filled with pain and guilt.

Enough of being Devdas and all those craps. What I am waiting for in my life is a beautiful wife with kind heart and cute kids and lots and lots of money.

Boom boom blast

Every time I declare that I am healing or getting out of those painful feelings, the very next day I feel low and the pointer of my memory start pointing back to those moments. Phew!! again I browsed the internet for healing these feelings, and I found a better one for the first time. The ideas mentioned were quite different and not sure whether it is going to work but since I've not tried them so far, I'll do them for sure.

Well, to talk something different. Bangalore was attacked today with a total of 8 bomb blasts!!! As a built-in hobby I couldn't stop myself to find out the first one to inform about it over internet. As always I found it first on Zee news site and a while after I found it on The times of India website, my trusted news source though too much flashy and lots of ad filled agency, they don't stop impressing me. I think I have a connection with something related to photography, journalism and adventure. Well, that is another part of my mind which keeps thinking about the clue for life. Though logically it is a complete waste of time, the mind never stops thinking about these life related issues.

Singh is king.. singh is king.. sing is king.. oh! that is the new title song running in my background. I keep repeating one line from it.. Dil agar saccha ho tho rab sab kar de setting.. Well, no prizes for guessing who is searching for the setting. I have lost faith on myself that I am a good person as a matter of fact I am a person who believes in actions and one act has made me to lose that faith on myself. I like accepting whatever grave the truth is. If I am an a**hole, then yes I am, I am like that, no offenses.

The 2 years change method mentioned in the above written site quite impressed me. I had faint idea of it somewhere in my mind, as I have experienced myself all my life that everything perfectly changes after every 2 years and that makes me glad because one year is already over and another year would change everything. Lets see whether this compass finds its destination (I associate myself to a compass).

I wrote many things today that to within 24 hrs of my previous posting. I feel good writing though my database of vocabulary sucks.

Have a blast!! (The very sarcastic me!!)

Me back

Now that's a thousand time I think before changing the name of the blog so that at least someone will find my blog over search engine and leave a comment. And as usual, I again drop the idea and stay firm on my decision of not going towards fame.

Well, after a lot of struggle with my mindset and oh yeah! still keeping her memories in my heart I am coping up with myself in this lonely journey on this lonely road. It seems as if I am never going to forget her and her love. Let me see if I'll ever find that Mrs. Right in my journey and will she be able to make me forget my past.

When it comes to deciding upon when to go for higher studies, my mind stands baffled. I am not able to decide. All those financial reasons and my fears of not being successful in this new venture is hindering my final go. Let's see what will happen, as always I leave it to the time to decide, the best decision maker and few times nice screwer. Another reason could also be the new interest in computers and coding, that is new to me. Well, technology has always fascinated me, but have never understood why people sit in front of this monitor gazing endlessly and doing that kaat-pit sound of typing. Now I seem to understand, very similar to the ode that I never understood, but by itself one day it started speaking to me. Every thing is almost so similar in this nature yet so different and so diverse. Living or non-living every one has life. It is just the communication gap between we human and those non-living. Let's see one day another Basu will prove this.

Time to leave.

Love.

Eternity of despair

Whenever I feel extremely alone but feel like talking to someone. This is the place where I come. Writing the blogs. Though no one has read my postings yet due to unusual naming, I feel someday it'll be read by someone and read it between the lines.

I feel terrible today, which is not new to me. I feel guilty when I look back into my life. But life has been very cruel to me in this department of heart. He knows where I'll get hurt the most. He is so wicked to me in this respect and He is very consistent at doing this. I wanted the one in my life and she wants to make me wait for very long. It's totally untrue that there is someone made for each one of us. It's a terrible lie. We were never born and we won't perish any day and we were alone, all alone in this journey which is never ending.

So much cruelty, so much selfishness prevail on this world. Each one of us saving our own head, fulfilling our own desires. Probably, that's the only rule of living. I don't want money, no fame, all those posh environments. I wanted the one, only one. And that person is so cruel, so much without heart.

What is the solution to this eternity of despair. So that I can repair. Why the battery of happiness is always low in my life. Such a waste individual I am, such a waste design, such a waste of time and resource.

Deprived for unknown reason and a dream

Yesterday I got shifted to my new home. The feeling was fantastic, as I was waiting for it since a very long time. I felt like sharing this happiness with the one I love the most. I spoke to everyone except for the one who is supposed to be on the top of the list. I still love her and this got proved while boozing with friends day before yesterday, where I was holding the basket ball and uttering "I love you" and was speaking to it as if it was her.

Today, I got up very early and the tiredness was still in my eyes because of lack of sleep. I was happy that I am wearing new clothes today but though the color and the clothes and the combinations are nice, they aren't suiting on me. I am bulging out, added to that I am short and to add fuel to the burning fire I am growing bald!! I look ugly at this moment when I see myself in the mirror. Still, I try to see a little longer when infront of the mirror searching for some happiness wrapped in beauty of looks. It is like trying to find the lotus in a bog.

Sometimes I feel though God has given me all the things what is necessary but he has somehow failed to increase the austerity level upto my expectation. I never asked him for it, He just decreased the level from optimum for only He knows for what reason. I always thought we are rewarded for the deeds that we do since the day we are born. But now I somehow feel that we also get punished for the deeds we might have did before our birth, and the worst part of it is that we have no information of what wrong did we do? I always felt deprived of something since my birth though everything I would have wished or required were around. Now I understand quite clear that I was always deprived of love. Damn, that thing is so precious and the worst part of it is that it choses us and not we choose it.

I still dream of only one thing. I want to sleep a deep sleep for a never ending time dreaming of me lying on green and soft pastured park with beautiful flowered plants looking at a blue clear sky with sun nearing the horizon and my head resting on those laps who love me the most and she playing with my hairs.

This is how it begins

The banyan tree that I saw today morning looked more greener and richer. I could see its leaves dancing on the tunes of air blowing around it, reminding me of the tribals dancing in their festivals. Seems like the pills are working to nullify those thoughts which were sprouted by the actions of that special person of my life. I gazed at the sky and controlled the question that frequently trouble me "why this happened to me?". The brain says, ofcourse she wasn't that beautiful as my college crush was but the heart can't come out of the magical spell she casted on me. I don't know what it is, which makes me think again and again of her repeatedly. Is this love? If so, why is she married to someone else and why is that she didn't ask her parents to get married to me? Is it the one sided love, as it always has been with me. If so, then what was all that we shared together, we cared, we loved, we spoke, the promises, the dreams and the spiritual bondage. Oh, I miss all of them. She was the perfect one for me untill she broke my heart. How on earth she can give the same name to her husband which she had kept for me with so much of love, I loved that name so much. She was so happy when I was begging and crying infront of her to come back to me. It is not the one whom I loved. The innocence and the care that she is to show was the invitations for me to love her. Her kind heart was the one which gave the key to my heart to unlock the happiness of love.